Yet another LOOOONG ass review Series: The Legend of Zelda Series

This is a long review set, similar to my Castelvania review. I guess the easiest way to explain why I'm doing this is.... Well I guess first it's a big year for Zelda. In a month and a few weeks the states will see the release of "The Ocarina of Time" for 3DS, as well as a new Wii title, "The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword". Now I know what you're thinking. "Why does he have to do another long review?" Cuz fuck you, thats why.

Thinking back to the first time I played a Zelda game... AHHHHH MEMORIES....*Queue weird wavy effect for flashbacks*

The Legend of Zelda(NES 1987)

I remember being a little kid, and I mean 3 or 4, and LOVING watching my Grandma and Mom play Super Mario Bros. 3, which is really a different story, but I kept trying to get them to play it, and one day my Mom handed me the controller and said "Here, you play".


History was made. That very moment (No older than 5 I think) I fell for my first love, and forever became a gamer.


With this, I pretty much stuck with mario. I think I remember renting Zelda from blockbuster, and getting bored with it, opting instead to rent Ninja Gaiden. Fuck that game. It was TOOOO hard. Thats for a different review too.


Fastforward a few years, we moved from Hawaii to Texas, Live Oak as a matter of fact. My first birthday there, I was 8 years old, and for my birthday I got "The Legend of Zelda". I really took the time to play this game, and I don't know what it was, but I liked it. I really liked it. I would actually get all the way up to Death Mountain, then get raped by the fucking Wizrobes, and Die. So, I quit. I'd pick it up from time to time over the years, but didn't actually beat it until I was in my mid teens. Sad, right? Fuck you.


The Awesome:
- Highly Nostalgic
- Not too complex, but just enough to keep you interested
- Optional weapon and tunic upgrades
- Sound was awesome
- Music was sweet
- Very challenging, not impossible


The Ass:
- ...
- I can't really think of any, except maybe it was pretty complicated, and finishing the last dungeon was pretty hard.

The Legend of Zelda II: The Adventure of Link(NES 1988)

This one of course is famous too. Shit, almost all zelda games are. This one I remember getting from my grandma, who used to buy me nintendo games on the condition she got to watch me play them. So when I went to go visit, she bought it for me as surprise, and boy did I love it. Sorta. This was actually HARDER than the first, and I could barely get past the 2nd dungeon without being thoroughly violated. So again, I quit. I used game genie a few years ago to beat this one. Even then it was hard....


The Awesome:
- Cool music, I guess
- Once you get downward Thrust, it's fun to fuck people up
- Spells are cool I guess...?


The Ass:
- More or less everything, but ESPECIALLY the difficulty
- Another point is how EASY it is to get lost.

The Legend of Zelda: Link's Awakening (Game Boy 1993)

This game was the next for me, and not the reason I wanted a game boy, but it became a principal reason I played it. This game was alot of fun, and not too hard. I hated that stupid screen the gameboy games had, but hey, it's Zelda, and by this point I started to like it. This game was fun, but another that took me a long time to beat. In fact, I'm noticing a patern here. On this one I quit towards the end, because I couldn't figure out how to kill the last boss.


The Awesome:
- Standard Zelda stuff, Although it's fun to steal from the shopkeep >:)


The Ass:
- Again, nothing much of note.

The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past(SNES 1992)

Now we're getting into the meat of it. This was the first time I ever wanted a console BECAUSE of a Zelda game. Sure as hell wouldn't be the last. I loved this game. It was fucking awesome. It was so epic, adventurous, so much to do, so many enemies to fight, thoughtful storyline, it was just GOOD. This was *YET* another Zelda game I didn't beat to begin with, I actually came back and beat it before moving on to the next Zelda game. By this point I became a devout follower of Zelda games, and just loved them to pieces. It was in this one I was able to figure out how to fight/kill the last boss on the previous game boy game, and thus was able to beat two Zelda games close together.


The Awesome:
- First Zelda game to boast 16 bit graphics
- Great music
- Great sound
- Duality of the world of light/Dark world
- Awesome that you fight through 3 dungeons, then go to the Dark world and fight through 7 more.
- Cool upgrades to weapons


The Ass:
- Nothing really, this one was pretty much perfect.

The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time(N64 1998)

I remember this so much. I remember my mom asking me a few weeks before christmas. She said "M, do you want a playstation, or a nintendo 64?" I thought about it, and then I saw a commercial for Zelda 64(A knickname for OoT) and I decided. The only reason I wanted it was for Zelda. No joke. I remember unwrapping it on Xmas day, and I didn't even PLAY the other games I got, just went straight to Zelda. I don't remember beng so tirelessly dedicated to a game in a long time, nor do I remember feeling like that for at least a few years. I've replayed this game to DEATH. It is probably the only Zelda game I've played and beat without taking a break, or playing something else. This is the PERFECT Zelda game!


The Awesome:
- Fantastic Graphics
- Great music
- Awesome transition between Young Link and Mature Link
- MASSIVE world to explore
- Biggoron sword quest
- Spectacular Scenary
- You get to ride a horse
- Plenty of side shit to do
- Cool dungeons
- Z-Targetting
- Get attacked by a flock of chickens if you piss them off too much.
- Wide variety of items to use

The Ass:
- If anything, the polygons were frustrating, as was the camera, but it was also the first of it's kind. Castlevania 64 was MUCH worse.

The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask(N64 2000)

I never really played this one, after finishing OoT a million times, I moved on to other games on the 64, and eventually migrated to playing more stuff on the playstation.

The Legend of Zelda: Oracle of Seasons/Ages, Four Swords
I really only included this to kind of paint the ENTIRE picture of the Zelda series I saw, but these 4 games I never really played. Season/Ages were the next up Zelda games for the game boy, and Four Swords was a gamecube venture. I didn't go with the gamecube, in fact I got the other 2 consoles in competition with it. So I never really played any of these...

The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Wacker(Waker lol) <GameCube 2003>

This was another Zelda game I NEVER played. I suppose I could now, as I have a Wii, which is backwards compatible with the GC. One huge difference from after Majora's Mask was the change in art style, which adopted a more childish cell shade effect. I didn't really care for it too much, but moreover didn't have a GC, nor did I care about getting one, so I didn't even bother.

The Legend of Zelda: Minnish Cap(GBA 2005)

This was the next Zelda game I played, namely because. Well first let me get this out for the feds who are reading this...

*I DO NOT CONDONE THE USAGE OF ROMS, NOR DO I USE THEM*... usually.

Anyway at the time ROMs became prominent, and I had been going to college and had a laptop that contained a GBA emulator. So, I played it. The game was pretty good from what I remember. Typical Zelda game, with some differences, theres no Ganon, and your hat talks. He's annoying and yaks too much, but Navi from OoT was just as bad.

The Awesome:
- Same stuff, really nothing standing out from this one compared to others

The Ass
- Again, nothing really.

The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess (Wii/GameCube 2006)

This was the next big console Zelda game, and has once again changed art form. This time around you're controlling link, and as usual, one thing leads to another and you end up fighting Ganon again.

The Awesome:
- Wolf link was cool
- Return to more realistic art style
- Master Sword is always fun to wield
- Improved Horseback riding
- Even greater scale of exploration compared to the Zelda masterpiece, Ocarina of Time.
- Wide variety of places to explore
- Music was cool
- Design was nice

The Ass:
- Nothing really, except maybe that it took too long to get from point A to point B. But I guess the fun in it is getting lost along the way and having fun.

The Legend of Zelda: Phantom Hourglass(Nintendo DS 2007)

This I didn't even try until I got my R4. It took some getitng used to, namely having to chart a path from island to island, and the art style, but once I did, I got immersed like good Zelda games; ALL good games do. A superb handheld title, I would recommend it to anyone who owns a DS. Very cool Game.

The Awesome:
- Huge world to explore
- Lots of goodies hidden, fun to explore the open sea to find mysterious islands that are far and isolated
- Dungeons very colorful and full of variety
- Puzzle elements stepped up a notch, in a good way

The Ass:
- Cowardly captain of the ship is just annoying sometimes
- Too many attacks from pirates, monsters, or the girl who is pissed off with the captain

The Legend of Zelda: Spirit Tracks(Nintendo DS 2009)

Ok so upon the success of Phantom Hourglass, I thought Spirit Tracks would be Better, or as good as, it's predecessor. Ok so I'll readily admit I was wrong. DEAD WRONG. This game... ugh... This game... GRRRRR.... THIS GAME SUCKS! IT FUCKING SUCKS@!!@@ GRAGH*WIIWHF{IWFIJW}(@!!!!!! )O@JKNA ANGER !_+)(T_#UJ#_(J#FOMFP{

:3

Anyways... *Ahem* now that I've regained my composure....

This game has you as a train conductor, who goes to the castle to visit the royal family, and witness princess Zelda's soul being separated from body. It's up to you to go to the different castles and restore the spirit tracks, defeat the bad guys and get Zelda's body back. The Train driving aspect was clearly supposed to mimic the ship mechanic from the first Zelda game. It failed in that regard, namely cuz with sailing you could either indicate where you wanted to go and it'd chart your course FOR you, or you could chart your own damn course, and have fun. This, of course, confines you to the tracks, and it's just shitty. The castles were fun, but for every new dungeon you had to learn a new song. Ok, I know playing a flute isn't anything NEW to a Zelda game, but this requires you blow into the MIC of the DS and move the styles to mimic playing a pan flute. It was rediculously unresponsive, and was just shit. Whats worse, I couldn't even finish the damn game because at the end of the boss fight Zelda is like "play your flute for power" and I'm like WTF? It's IMPOSSIBLE to play, and so I just said FUCK IT. This, in my opinion is the SHITTIEST game of the Zelda series.

The Awesome:
- Colorful I Guess
- Dungeons were fun, I guess

The Ass:
- Having to ride a fucking train.
- In order to progress, a device(MIC) must be used to progress.
- Trust me, the previous two points are bad enough.

The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword/Ocarina of Time 3DS
I can't really get my paws on either's front case, so you'll have to settle for SHUUUT UUUUP. lol. Really, neither have been released, although OoT 3DS will be released stateside 6/19/2011. It's a remake of the GREATEST Zelda game every, got some fancy graphics updates, as well as some sexy bonuses. I also understand that certain aspects have been altered, which will make the game brand new all over again. I am so eagerly looking forward to the release of this game, my want of the 3DS has shot thru the roof. I have heard rumor at Kotaku that there will be a limited edition bundle on release day, in which case I think I'll wait until then. Skyward sword continues the tradition of the more "Realistic" look of the Zelda series, and looks like it's gonna be good. Although the release date is unknown, it is known that it'll get a release after OoT3DS.

Anyways, this concludes my review of the Legend of Zelda series, having played most of the games, I'd say its a fantastic series and will hope that it continues in this tradition. I'll DEFINITLY do a review of the new Ocarina game when I get it. It's gonna be SEXY!!!!

M